Robotjohnny.com>

Language for a Forked Tongue

Satirist Ambrose Bierce published what became The Devil’s Dictionary in weekly newspaper installments from 1881 to 1906.  As dated as it is, it’s still one of my favourite “reference” books, and many of its entries can still make me laugh.  It is brilliantly wicked and cynical.

And because it’s so old it’s in the public domain, and I’ve just found that there are numerous versions of the book floating around online.

Some of my favourite entries:

LOVE, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder. This disease, like caries and many other ailments, is prevalent only among civilized races living under artificial conditions; barbarous nations breathing pure air and eating simple food enjoy immunity from its ravages. It is sometimes fatal, but more frequently to the physician than to the patient.

TELESCOPE, n. A device having a relation to the eye similar to that of the telephone to the ear, enabling distant objects to plague us with a multitude of needless details. Luckily it is unprovided with a bell summoning us to the sacrifice.

NOVEMBER, n. The eleventh twelfth of a weariness.

CAT, n. A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle.