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Groaning Pains

Monday, March 8, 2004

It all started with a simple e-mail on Friday afternoon that went terribly wrong.  I made one pun, and from then it snowballed into a full-on War of the Puns between two of my friends and I. 

What follows is a transcript of those e-mails, but I’ll warn you in advance, that these are not only bad puns, these are bad puns based mostly on the names of stops on the Toronto subway line.  So if you’re unfamiliar with our fine public transit system, you’ll find these jokes TWICE as unfunny.

Continue if you dare…

CLAIRE:
Colin Firth is on Saturday Night Live this week.

JOHN:
I heard Naomi Watts is on NEXT week. So let’s recap.

Who’s on?  Firth.
Watts is on second.

MIKE:
John, this whole time you’ve known me, I bet you’ve been completely unaware that I am the middleaged Hawaiian lounge-singer responsible for the novelty hit “Tiny Bubbles”.  And, as luck would have it, I TOO am getting to host an episode of SNL just after Naomi Watts. So, to recap AGAIN,

Who’s on?  Firth.
Watts is on second.
and I, Don Ho, is on third.

JOHN:
Outpun ME, will you!!

MIKE:
OUTRUN, even.  Look at yourself, John, you’re totally fatigued and exhausted and practically SOAKED with sweat from trying to catch up to me.  Why don’t you lie down and take a WET-NAP?

JOHN:
Wet-Nap??� Are you implying I have dirty hands?� Well, I’d like to ask that you stop with all this finger pointing!� You’re not the only one who can point fingers—In fact I’m so confident that I’m a better finger-pointer that I challenge you to professionally-judged contest.

I’ll see you at the FINGER BOWL!

CLAIRE:
OMG!  THE PUNS COME INTO MY INBOX NOW I CANNOT ESCAPE

MIKE:
oh, I’LL WIN THE FINGER BOWL, all right… and I’ll be standing up there, victorious, in the middle of the Winner’s Circle, pointing and MOCKING YOU and being even more of a jerkface than normal. And you’ll cry and be all like “wah wah, I want my mommy”, and I’ll just continue to be a jerkface from within the mocktastic confines of the winner’s circle and mock you EVEN HARDER.

They don’t call me the “CIRCLE JERK” for nothing!!!

JOHN:
I’ll be prepared for my loss because I have taken the proper precautions. Every time I enter a new tournament I read a little pamphlet on how to be a good loser.

It’s all part of a TOURNIE KIT.

MIKE:
The kit didn’t help, did it? I can still see your tears from here, John… or should I say, OOR ULFSONN, Swedish finger-bowling champion?? The Robin-hood-esque “John” disguise didn’t help, did it, Oor? Trying to lure ME into a false sense of security is hopeless. Now, go ride the subway home in shame, and DON’T BE BLUE, OOR!!!

JOHN:
I won’t be BLUE, because I will be recovering from and coping with my shame at U of T with a manicure and a cheeseburger.� Of course, there is all ready a large queue of people who are trying to do the same… all of them standing in the UNIVERSITY SPA-DINER LINE

CLAIRE:
The punning war has casualties.  I, me, am one of them. I was blasted by HAR-TILLERY.

JOHN:
Now she suffers from GROANING PAINS.

CLAIRE:
YOU ARE AGGRAVATING MY APPUN-DICITIS.

You are causing a PUN-DEMIC outbreak.

JOHN:
That proves that it’s PUNTAGIOUS!!

MIKE:
(re: UNIVERSITY SPA-DINER) ahhh, a fine establishment. But if you’re hoping for a drink, just don’t order their weak bodyless RUNNY MEAD… the stuff’ll make you KEELE over and die.

JOHN:
You know, everyone is really good to put up with all these puns.� For example, you’ve really been a SAINT, CLAIRE. But HANDSDOWNE, Matt’s been the best… of course being tolerant and patient is just what I’d expect Matthew GREENWOOD do .

MIKE:
Okay, look… I know you have nothing but praise for your good buddy Matt, and although I can definitely appreciate someone with good-enough taste to be constantly attending the rep-theatre’s screenings of “Darkside/Oz”, but how can you really have a decent conversation about anything with him when his entire idea of thoughtful-critique consists of a cavemanesque “OZZZZ..... GOOOOD.”

And yes, I’m fully aware that he constantly holds private-screenings of it
as his giant stone historic-mansion, but I don’t wanna visit a CASTLE, FRANKLY.

Although I do miss his keen pet rooster. Isn’t that COCK SWELL? =D

CLAIRE:
Did you guys see the pics from the NDP fundraiser ???
I think protesters were about to EGG LAYTON!

JOHN:
I’m not even sure if that IS LAYTON.

CLAIRE:
WELL, IS HE?

MIKE:
I’m not sure!! I can’t see him… can MYOU SEUM???

CLAIRE:
Dunno, but GLENN CAN.

MIKE:
I dunno, Claire.  Glenn just seems to be missing that special spark of wisdom that one usually finds in someone like, say, the Queen of England.  He’d be way more alert if only he had that QUEEN-SPARK.

CLAIRE:
Like VICTORIA SPARK, then?

JOHN:
Let’s leave poor Glenn alone!  Don’t judge, LESLIE be judged, too!

CLAIRE:
How CHRIST-y of you to say that Johnny!!!

JOHN:
I have learned much wisdom from God’s SHEPPARD.

CLAIRE:
You’re a candidate for the PAPEacy for sure!

JOHN:
WARDEN that be something!!

CLAIRE:
Any pun will do in a FINCH.

MIKE:
Just remember God’s commandment… thou shalt not STEELES.

CLAIRE:
SHER, BOURNE that commandment all my life!

JOHN:
I’ll be sure to cleanse myself of all sins by taking a BATHFIRST.

CLAIRE:
Don’t forget to wash your ROYAL YORK.

MIKE:
“Hey they’re going to the OLD MILL!!!”
“no we’re not!”
“Well let’s go to the OLD MILL anyway, and get some cidah!!!”

JOHN:
We can get to the old mill by bus… The WILSON the bus go round and round… round and round…

MIKE:
Is it one of those positive nuclear-buses powered by protons and ions, or is it the negative kind that uses anti-protons and UN-IONs?

JOHN:
It’s the negative kind… like the anti-Batmobile that was driven by Adam West’s evil twin Lawrence… LAWRENCE WEST.

CLAIRE:
I know Lawrence’s sister Laura.  She went to City Hall as a councillor.  SCARBOROUGH SENT HER.