Gigli: The Critics Don’t Lie
Thursday, August 7, 2003It’s true. It’s absolutely true. Gigli is everything the critics are saying. And less!
One can’t help but feel sorry for writer/director Martin Brest. Perhaps he’ll never work again! Perhaps we’ll never have to sit through another Gigli or Meet Joe Black!
It’s hard to pinpoint the *worst* moment of _Gigli_. Is it the lack of plot? The phoned-in cameos by Pacino and Walken? The heavy-handed Dawnson’s Creek dialogue?
I think the reason this movie fails is simple. Everything about it—every single thing—is awful. And by awful I mean completely delightful.
Let’s start with the performances. Ben Affleck. Ben, Ben, Ben. Whoever told you that you could be a tough guy? Was it your boyfriend Matt Damon? Because if it was, he lied.
J.Lo, by far the better actor in the Ben-Jen team, does surprisingly well. She plays a super-model lesbian hitman. We know she’s a lesbian because she spends a good fifteen minutes waxing muliebral about the majesty of the vagina while all but thrusting her genitalia right into Ben Affleck’s face in a bizarre spread-eagle Yoga cocktease. (Has Martin Brest even met a real lesbian before? Or does he just watch a lot of pornos?)
Justin Bartha’s performance of the “Generically Mentally Handicapped” Brian is one of the most inconsistent characters ever seen on screen. Trying to fit a whole cuckoo’s nest of eccentricities into one head, Bartha takes turns channelling everyone from Rain Man to Cliff Robertson’s Charly. One moment he has Turrett’s Syndrome, the next minute he’s Leo DiCaprio in Gilbert Grape. Whatever his inspiration was, it is clear that Brian grows less and less “retarded” as the movie progresses.
Speaking of inconsistencies, how bout that music? Jokes are punchlined with soaring orchestral strings and the sex scenes between Gay-Lo and toughguy Ben are punctuated with plucky stoccato faerie music. The rest of the film seems to be underscored with a variety of jazzy porn instrumentals, except for that tear-jerking final scene (in which Bennifer Affleck stands at one end of the beach, fully able to hear a conversation between Bartha and a beach bimbo hundreds of feet away through the surf, the wind, and the hundreds of other people’s conversations) which is capped off with an emotional choral exaltation. It’s as if the heavens opened up and the angels are rejoicing that the movie is finally over.
But of course it’s not over. J-Lo has to make her return. She has to show the audience that Ben Affleck has the almighty power to make gay gals go ga-ga. After all, it wouldn’t be a “Ben Affleck Falls in Love with a Lesbian” movie without a little sexual conversion on the woman’s part.
This movie is so bad that even 14-year old girls left the theatre mid way.
Like a bowl of pie, says Christopher Walken, it’ll make your tongue reach out and slap your brain.
I can’t recommend it enough.
connie says:
Wait a second. I hope this was a comp pass, because besides the fact that it itself has been proclaimed as a downright scary movie, it is even more scary that you could have possibly shelled out $13 for this experience.
Wow.
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MongoLloyd says:
John, you makes me laugh!
Robot Johnny says:
It was the most entertaining time I’ve had in a theatre in a long time. It helped of course, that there were only 10 other people in the theatre, so friends and I felt we could talk as loud as we wanted…
Marc says:
LOL
From The Onion, ”Gigli Focus Groups Demand New Ending In Which Both Affleck and Lopez Die”:
http://www.theonion.com/onion3929/gigli_focus_groups.html
Zombie Claire says:
I wanted Christopher Walken and Gigli to get together, but it never happened. Even after that sexy at-the-door stare. I guess I’ll have to write a story about it and post it on the blog. :-(
Zombie Claire says:
GIGLI and THE COP
by Zombie Claire
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*BANG* *BANG*
“Open! Up in! There, Gigli!”
*BANG* *BANG*
Larry Gigli froze on his leather couch which was in his apartment in Los Angeles. He recognized the voice of the man who was pounding on the door.
It was his friend, the Cop!
“Coming!” Gigli shouted in his heavily accented voice. “Youse just gots to waits a minute.” He opened the door.
The Cop stumbled in. He was carrying several empty coffee cups. Thirteen, in fact.
“Hello Gigli you,” the Cop began. “Look well considering what. We heard about. You. Gigli.”
“What this you been hearin’?” Gigli noticed how well the Cop looked today. Actually, he looked really hot in his grey suit and rumpled tie!
The Cop crushed seven of his coffee cups. But he held the other six in his left hand. Held them like he was trying to say something by it ... but what?
“The word on the street is. Lesbian took your car and your. Retard. Left you with the rap. Gigli.”
Was it Gigli’s imagination or did the Cop look concerned? NO! It was not concern in his grey eyes—it was lust!
Gigli swallowed hard, overcome by the realization that he returned the Cop’s affection. “I gave dat girl my car, she was da bull, I was da cow.” Gigli stared deeply into the Cop’s eyes, willing him to understand ...
“I understand Gigli you. Got burned by that dame. Gigli I.” The Cop paused. He crushed another coffee cup. He gazed into Gigli’s eyes.
“I love you, Cop!!” Gigli screamed. His face was red with emotion.. “Come away with me to the Beach!” Gigli’s spittle flew through the air like spit on the wind.
“Beach? Why. I’d like that. Gigli we. Could tan. Or eat some hot dogs do. You like? Hot dogs?” The Cop continued to crush a ninth coffee cup ... And then a tenth ...
“Let me,” said Gigli gently. He reached out with his enormous fat fingers and squished the eleventh cup.
“Now there. Are two here,” said the Cop in wonder, looking at his hands. “One for you and. Also one for ... me?”
Gigli sniffed. “It was youse I wanted all along not the broad with the bum!”
“I love. YOU. GIGLI!” The Cop announced. “I agree we. Should go now to. The beach!”
THE END
Robot Johnny says:
You’re all nuts. NUTS!
a one-time Ben fan says:
I just read your column on the movie Gigli and feel that you’ve given me the opportunity to come clean, and hope that those who read this here column, will be willing to accept me for who I am and was.
My name is Anna, and I am a one time Ben fan.
But no more!! I have cut the chord and now agree with comments linking Ben to Matt Damon, agree that he couldn’t act his way out of a closet and feel ashamed and disgraced that I once claimed to be the future Mrs. Ben Affleck. I have discarded the pillow cases and bed sheets that bear his face, have burned the posters in which I photoshoped myself alongside the once proclaimed “Man of my dreams”, and have moved on. I would like to report that I have been without Ben for 3 months now and every day life gets better.
Thank you for allowing me to speak openly, and to note, I would like to invite John to one of our weekly BAA meetings. Given you’re ability to write in such great detail about the movie and the admission that you did see it (no doubt on opening night) you are also in need of some help with this. It’s okay John, you too can get through this, the first step is to admit that you have a problem.
Thanks again,
Erinn
a one-time Ben fan says:
Oh my, I’m so embarrassed… my last post… well you see I signed off with the name Erinn, when I obviously meant Anna. Since that’s my name. Yep, sure is.... oye.
Well thanks again…
Anna
James says:
That. Was. Hysterical.