Cuckoo for Coco Cox
Tuesday, June 15, 2004I would like to recommend that celebrities not be able to name their offspring. I suggest some type of independently-run committee to spare our Hollywood stars the embarrassment of looking like total asshats, and to prevent the years of therapy the poorly-named babies will no doubt have to endure thanks to their touched-in-the-head parents.
First Gwenyth and Chris named their poor kid Apple. Now it’s reported that Courtney Cox Arquette and David Arquette’s recent addition to the world population is going to be named Coco.
Coco? Is that some weird shorthand for COurtney COx?
In any event, this is the perfect opportunity to introduce you to one of my favourite websites of all time: Baby’s Named a Bad, Bad Thing: A Primer on Parent Cruelty. Its author explains:
Some parents are just plain crazy. But few are as crazy as many soon-to-be parents, who, wrapped up in the fear and anticipation, the social status and expectations, go just plain mad. Mad as march hares with swollen ankles and morning sickness.
Imagine the crew of Mystery Science Theatre tackling various online baby name message boards, and you’ve got an idea of the site.
The way I see it, there are three types of bad baby names.
- 1. Made-up Words
- Summerlee, Tylee, Kiandra, Bretlyn, Jamanda, Blant
- 2. The Ridiculously Spelled
- Jacen, Jennypher, Dilyn, Zakeri, Duglass, Kenadeigh, Mikol
- 3. Words That Aren’t Actually Names
- Blaze, Chase, Catatonia, Captain, Stetson, Bard, Panda
Oh, and if one more parent names their child Dakota, I’m naming my first born Saskatchewan.
sarah says:
The first thing I thought was: why did Chris and Gwenyth name their kid after my favourite drink?
Apple Martin......Apple Martini....
Mmm.
Fink says:
Hear, hear. Stupid or “unique” baby names drive me crazy. Everyone knows about Frank Zappas offspring, but what about Bob Geldof? He named one of his kids “Fifi Trixi-belle”.
Gwyneth Paltrow named her kid “Apple”!!
Believe it or not there is a basketball player out there (who never quite made it to the NBA) whose name is “Scientific Mapps”. His brother was given a similarly ridculous first name too.
It ain’t just celebs either. We all have a friend or kow somone who named their kid something odd and we all had to stand there, smile politely and say “Oh cool, how unique” for fear of seriously damaging the relationship by saying “are you serious?”.
It’s like describing somebody’s baby as being “breathtaking”.
Hmmm, maybe I need to chill on this a little.
Zombie Claire says:
Oooh Johnny, A BABY NAME POST!!
The hallmark of White Trash is the “unique” name.
For evidence of this, check the Births section of the Kitchener-Waterloo Record. Compare it to The Globe & Mail. LOL!!!
My MOm’s class of grade 4 kids is every year hilarious because there are usually like 3 Madisons, a Mackenzie, Kody/Dakota, Ashleigh/Ashlee/, Kaylee/Kaylie, Dylan/Dillon/Dyllon, Jayden/Jaiden, Alycia/Alyssia, then the straight out Ghetto Fab trash like: D’vine, Heaven, Desiree/D’sire, etc.
TRASHY like a KTOWN Stag n Doe!
Lloyd says:
I’m hoping to one day have a boy and a girl, named Sam n’ Ella.
Since I share my last name with a bird, I was also thinking that a good kids name might be Robin or Jay. Or Robin J.
Amanda says:
No baby yet but when we do it’ll be Mary Kathryn after Giles’s grandmother and great-aunt.
However, in high school, I know that I liked the names Kessa, Tuppence, and Paisley for girls. This is an excellent reason for having children later rather than sooner. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not advocating birth control just common sense which is largely absent in teenage girls.
Robot Johnny says:
Mary even if it’s a boy?
I’ve recently joked with my friends that I’m going to name my children after cartoon villains:
Gargamel, Mummra, Dastardly, Snidely, and Megatron (Cobra Commander if it’s a girl)
adina says:
I alway thought it was funny when ppl gave their dogs human names, like “Steve” or “brenda”.
On that note, how about a child named “puppy” or “chicken”? (I already named my blog pony, but I think it is a great name for a human, with the exception of those darn pervy innuendoes.
Soon, the matt’s and dave’s of the world will fade out of fashion, only to smack all meaty old fashioned - like today’s “Samuel” and “Oscar” - 50 years down the road.
(ps, i know this is long, but I once had a boss who named his kids dylan and jagger).
Sarah L. says:
Villain names: that’s good! My boyfriend has threatened to name any future kittens I may fall in love with and want to bring home Snake Eyes and Storm Trooper after GI Joe guys.
A son will be Griffin Cash, because we like Griffin and are determined to pay tribute to Johnny Cash.
Bonus: he’ll have to answer to “G. Money.”
Dave H says:
My first born son’s name is going to be Starch. It’s got to be done.
Has anyone brought up the Catch-22 character named Major Major Major, who then became a Major in the army?
Zombie Claire says:
CLAIRE is a beautiful name.
Robot Johnny says:
“No… it’s a fat girl’s name.”
Claire says:
Don’t listen to Robot Johnny, Claire is a beautiful name, and John Hughes was off his chops.
I think there should be a machine that gauges what people will name their children, and if a name doesn’t pass the test, they get a smack upside the head. I know some people who named their kids Hector, and Song Ulysses. Poor bastards will get the snot kicked out of them at school.
Sarah B. says:
Why bother naming your children something completely ridiculous when they can do it themselves?
Any of you know Alexandra McFabulous Artful-Dodger?
Fink says:
Good ol’ Al McArty?
He’s good people.
Lloyd says:
HEY! What’s wrong with giving your dog a human name? (my Siberian Husky is called Ivan)
df says:
A NFL Europe player was called ‘Earthwind Moreland’
(after the band)
Keri Smith says:
I think you should name your first born Regina.
k.
Bjorn says:
You’ve never heard of Coco Chanel?
Brian says:
Great post. Celebrities must be stopped. I had almost the exact same thoughts back during the ‘Apple’ debacle.
http://www.ranzino.com/2004/05/insert-apple-pun-here.php
Zombie Claire says:
CLAIRE RULES
D says:
The name to end all names - and it’s no surprise it comes from Japan - is Fappy.
Fappy!
peppy says:
the best of the best I have ever heard has to be:
Abcde..
pronounced AB-SID-EEE
real name, on the birth cert and everything..
By the way apparently its a girls name. At least I think she was a girl…
runners up:
3 kids whose parents were clowns in the Circue du Soleil
Anna
Holly
Teddy…
last name GRAHM
Cruel, cruel Parents..
greg from daddytypes says:
Coco Chanel’s given name was NOT Coco; it was Gabrielle.
Let people name their kids Coco today, and they’ll be naming the next one J. Lo tomorrow. It’s a gateway drug.
Laura says:
Best I ever heard was when my mom was working as a nurse in a neo-natal ward at the hospital. A family named their little girl Crystal Shanda… last name? Lear.
Ha!
Robot Johnny says:
That reminds me—a few years ago I was at the pharmacy and a woman was shouting, “Allegra! Allegra!”
I thought she was having trouble finding antihistamines, but she was in fact reprimanding her daughter.
Keri Smith says:
I once worked with a girl whose name was Greek Salad.
spelt Greek Salad.
I think she was from South Africa where it was quite a reasonable name.
becca says:
Oh no, I have everyone beat:
On one of my baby boards, an expecting mother was planning on naming her child (wait for it...)
FRODO.
I used to say you can always tell a person’s age by their child’s name. My 16-year-old friends that would get pregnant would haive Aidens and McKaielas, and my 35-year-old friends would have James and Elizabeths. Now, I guess “young” and “famous” are interchangable.
(For the record, I’m 21 and have an Elias. But it’s a Biblical name; therefore not weird-- and can be shortened to the normal Eli.)
Mnd says:
My aunt worked in school system and she told me their was a boy whose 1st name was Mister, Chartruse(girl), Sparkle(girl) and others I cant remember. I also know someone who wrks for Social Security and they told me their was a guy who changed his name to the number 8 and SSA let him do it because he had went to court and had it legally changed(that was around whne Prince changed his name to the symbol)
Robin Leslee says:
Do you think names like Madison are bad? I thought it was normal compared to nouns like Apple. Coco is just plain ridiculous.
I have loved the name Madison since the movie Splash came out. The short version of Maddie is just adorable in my opinion.
I think Reese Witherspoon named her last child Deacon. That is a bit off the wall to IMHO.
Ana says:
This is for my niece, Dawn. She is expecting a baby girl in September. I suggested that they name her Dusk. What does everyone think?
I think her grand-daughter Nighttime would not approve. Or her grand-neices Afterhours and Graveyardshift.
lmao
Dok says:
Why would anybody in their right mind name their child after a stripper, or a gorilla who spoke sign language to a kitten? (Granted, that was “Koko” not “Coco,” but it’s the same name.)
Ward says:
One of my daughter’s schoolmates at preschool is named Dazzle. No friggin’ lie. Daz for short, I guess. Tal is another one. And he’s a bit odd.
We named our daughter Ava, by the way and at the time (4 years ago) we really hadn’t heard the name used that often. Now we hear it more than we’d like to. Oh well.
I think there’s an urban legend around here (Atlanta) that some woman who couldn’t read liked the way this one word looked and decided to name her daughter Female--pronunced “fe-MAL-le.”
Drake Whalterson says:
People have made fun of my name before. People have also commented on it as well. Whatever name a person is given, what is most important, in my humble opinion, is that the recipient remain proud of who he/she is. Drake Whalterson might be unique. Or not. It might even sound a bit campy. But so does Morgan Spurlock, the director of the recent documentary “Super Size Me.”
We’re out there. And we have interesting names.
Lloyd says:
When my father was born, his parents hadn’t been in Canada very long, from Denmark. They decided to give him a good Danish name, and had one all picked out until someone explained how funny “Gunnar Bang” would sound in English. So he didn’t get a middle name in the end.
Cathie says:
What’s the next kid going to be called - “Lysol”?!
I think they should have named her “Exit”. That way, if she grows up to be an actress, her name will automatically be up in lights in every theatre in the country.
Ben says:
Well, someone would say that ‘robot’ isn’t a really name.
But we know better!
Heather says:
I once saw a name that I hope was pronounced Reese
Rise Cox
Karen says:
We had friends that named their baby Claire Annette.
Regina Filange says:
What CRAP!!! People can name their kids what they damn well like! Just because you don’t like it doesn’t mean anyone else cares! Your name’s probably some boring name that half the population has anyway!! Get a life!
Robot Johnny says:
Let me guess—your real name’s Kimberleigh-Dakota
Jennifer Aniston says:
Hi. I was just on my computer and I found your site of rather rude comments abou my friend’s baby. I have to agree whole-heartedly with ‘Regina Filange’. You’re talking crap. Coco is a beautiful name for a beautiful baby.
And if anyone’s interested, I’m not stupid enough to use my real address on this.
Cathie says:
Oh Jen, ligthen up - we’re just having a bit of fun. I’ve always been a fan of Courtney (back to her Family Ties days) and really am thrilled that they’ve finally been able to have a baby. I know the emptiness - I’m now 43 and never could carry one (3 miscarriages myself and no funds for invitro). I know Coco comes from “Coco Chanel” but you’ve got to admit that she’s going to have a rough time in school with the Cox with it. I’m sure she is a beautiful and much-loved baby. I just couldn’t resist a “Chandler” comment in fun.
Soooooo - what names are The Pitts thinking of since we’re all hoping you’re next!! (Just please - not “Harry” - that would be as bad as “Harry Cox”!) - Sorry - did it again didn’t I!
Chris J. Strolin says:
Has anyone considered the possibility that the baby might be named “Coco Arquette” (using the father’s last name and sounding rather snappy) rather than “Coco Cox” (which, yes, is mildly demented)? Myself, I don’t know which way they went.
And it’s odd how “Claire” tends to be associated with (let’s be polite) Rubenesque women. I once wrote a poem which was, overall, favorable to the person in question but which did contain a section which went:
I once was in love with a gal named Clarice.
She was smart. She was fun. She was totally obese.
And so it’s to Claire that I write this sonnet.
Her butt was so big you could play pinochle on it.
As I say, overall it was a favorable observation.
First time on this site. I shall return.
Chris J. Strolin says:
Oh, one last thing. I have two daughters named Christy Sunshine and April Joy.
Guess who had kids during the Hippie Era!
Lloyd says:
People can name their kids what they damn well like
Not when I’m Prime Minister of the world.
I know first-hand what it’s like to grow up with a name that everyone laughs at. Imagine being the youngest Lloyd in the world!
Cathie says:
I worked with sisters named Sunny and Happy Day. I also knew someone named Harry Legg.
They probably are going to go with David’s surname with Coco, but lets face it, everyone will still focus on the Coco Cox. I would have thought she would name her something else and use “Coco” as a nickname in her private life.
Hey - as someone said - who really cares as long as you’re proud of yourself and heritage. At least these are memorable!
Lloyd says:
Hey Johnny, you’re the #1 listing on Google for “coco cox”. Congratulations.
Regina Filange says:
I have to agree though that Apple is pushing it. It doesn’t bother me, but I wouldn’t name my kids that. But choice changes with time. Perhaps we’re just entering a new era of baby names? And Coco Arquette sounds quite classy really.
Was that REALLY Jennifer Aniston on here! OMG!!!
melanie says:
I think coco is a great name. why would’n your child be happy with their names?? If you have a life you’re not thinking of what kind of name you have, you’ll be doing other stuff like being with you’re friends.
Bella says:
I have you all beat!
I work for a community agency that services low-income families and I recently met a woman who named her daughter…
OB-GYN (pronounced O - BEE - Jean)
She was undecided and saw it written on a door in the hospital.
There should be laws!
Regina Filange says:
Hello peeps?!? Aniston was just on here!!!
Sorry about this, I’m English.
David Arquette says:
Hi all, thanks for your input about what we’ve named our daughter. Yes, we were both smoking crack when we decided, but I guess we can change it later.
Regina, we’ve been a long-time admirer of you, and appreciate your support. Would you like to come over and have dinner with Jennifer, Courtney, Coco, and I? We’ll be serving Coco organic breast milk, but the menu will be more appealing for the rest of us.
Lloyd says:
If you have a life you’re not thinking of what kind of name you have, you’ll be doing other stuff like being with you’re friends.
Or learning the difference between your and you’re.
Regina Filange says:
Oh ha ha, ‘David Arquette’. Very funny. I’m not as stupid as I sound. But then, if I was, I’d be surprised that I could walk and talk at the same time.
melanie says:
I’m sorry I made a mistake. I’m just 12 years old, and we haven’t got Englisch for that long in the Netherlands. And why are you acting so mad?? I just gave my opinion!
melanie says:
And you Bella,
It isn’t nice to call your child like this: OB-GYN (pronounced O - BEE - Jean)
I agree.
So what do you think of the name coco?
Bob Marly says:
Regina u so rock that is so right about the name of Courtneys baby. Some crazy quacks call their babies Mango,Apricot and even Cherry so if u don’t like COCO then u can go crap ur selves.
Diane says:
My daughter is expecting soon and she really likes the name CoCo. I must admit that I have been concerned with the choices that some of the younger generation are making when chosing a name for a baby. However, when you have a classy name such as “Arguette” or “Adair” such as my daughters, you can chose a different name and it sounds great. Look at the unusual names of Demi Moore’s girls, yet to all known they are well adjusted young ladies. It isn’t the name its the upbringing that makes the person.
Bob Marly says:
If people no that the name of their child is going to take the P out of then why do they bother? Coco is a nice name itz better then a name such a Gretal
Jennifer Aniston says:
To answer Cathie’s question, I have not yet decided on any names. Children are definitely in my future, but I would like to patch things up with my mother first. We haven’t spoken in a while, but the time comes when you just have to get over yourself. I’ve become my mother, I might as well call her.
Coco (really!!:D) says:
I think coco cox is a gr8 nme probly btr thns urs.
Regina Filange says:
C!! Again! Aniston!! Why is every1 ignoring her? Bob Marly, what do u think?
Is ur name really Coco? I love that name!!
Bob Marly says:
Coco is a cool name. At least itz creative and expressive. And the surname Argette is so nice @least itz nnot something like Smith!
Morrissey says:
I think Smith is a mighty fine name.
Hugo Weaving says:
Smith is a fine name, Mr. Anderson.
Regina Filange says:
Hmmm… OK.
Smith’s a fine name, but not with Coco. U need smoething classy like Chanel or Arquette to pull it off.
Bob Marly, do u reckon it is Aniston on here?
Jill says:
Was jennifer really on this website?? cause why would she be on her, while she famous and busy? (well I think she’s busy) Can anyone tell my?
Regina Filange says:
Even celebs get time off. She probably has an Internet connection at any hotel suite she happens to be in (presuming she’s not at home). If I were a celeb, I’d surf the net to see if there was anything stupid about myself or my friends. Obviosly, she just couldn’t resist dropping a line.
Jill says:
Ya that’s right. I would be chekking the net to.
Regina Filange says:
So who thinks it was Aniston?
Jennifer Aniston says:
Me.
Robot Johnny says:
Who wants to guess what Regina Filange and Jennifer Aniston have in common?
The same IP address!
According to the stats, Regina, Jennifer Aniston left her message using the same computer as you! (She must be sneaking into your house when you aren’t looking… watch out for those nutty celebs, you can never be sure what they’re up to!).
Robot Johnny says:
And for those of you who like to keep tabs on your crazies, “Bob Marly” and “Coco” are also using the same computer as “Regina”
Regina, you need to learn to lock your door!
Regina Filange says:
Nice work, smarty pants. You’re half right. We are using the same computer but we are in fact 3 different people. Bob Marly and Coco only used this computer once.
And as for the Aniston thing, that wasn’t me. Whoever is doing that though is really weird. (unless it is her).
Robot Johnny says:
The Internet™ Your Source for Crazies
Bob Marly says:
Robot Johnny u should stick ur nose out of other peoples business oh well if we used the same computer who gives a crap?(Not me) Why have we strade off of the conversation about Coco Arguette?
Regina Filange says:
Because, ‘Bob’, there are certain limitations on how much there is to be said about a two week old baby.
Regina Filange says:
And also, you are very touchy.
Rebecca says:
I think to each his own....but on the other hand, I know a beautiful little boy named Music that gets picked on constantly because of his name. It’s hard enough being a kid without having to fight that battle too.
Bella says:
You are all crazy little people!
Jill says:
This conversation isn’t about baby names anymore!! to bad!!!
Bob Marly says:
Well now i’m going to start the conversation again about her name. I was looking in a quite old magazine before Courtney had her baby,it says that David has been telling friends that if it’s a boy it will be Gizmo and if it’s a girl it will be Sarsaparilla. i think Courtney chose the name Coco thank God!!!
Jill says:
Ya you’re right! What if the baby’s name was Sarsaparilla? O my GOD!! It’s like you’re calling your cat.