All or Nothing At All
Monday, January 19, 2004Yesterday over brunch a friend and I were discussing the things we struggle with when living a creative life. We both admitted that while ultimately we want to end up doing exactly what we want in life, anything short of exactly that feels like disappointment.
When it comes to illustration, I want to do my thing—the style and subject matter that is important and personal to me. When I’m assigned generic work that’s independant of style and substance—work that needs to get done more than it needs to get done specifically by me—I plod through it, but I don’t enjoy it. It’s still illustration, but when it’s assumed I can adapt to any given style, tackle any given subject, and complete it in any given timeframe ("I need this tomorrow, but hey, it’s what you like to do, right?") I actually despise it.
My friend feels the same way as a writer and photographer. If it’s not exactly what she wants to do she’d prefer doing something entirely different so as if not to be reminded of that perfect creative work just slightly out of reach.
I know with me, when I’m asked to work that I know I’m completely unsuited for I feel like I’m not fully appreciated. Like I’m just seen as a person with a particular skill or trade, and not a particular style or vision. Like it’s not me that’s important, just my ability to get the work done.
Sure, paying the bills is important, but why do I always feel like I’m compromising myself? Do other creative types have this same dread of doing work that’s not your true passion, but is still “creative” work?
(note: after brunch we were so inspired to plug away at more personal work we fled to the nearest art store and stocked up on supplies!)
melk says:
hmm. sounds too familiar. i’ve long lost any personal style at work. i get stuff done, and that’s what matters most to this group.
ask yourself - why is melk home “sick” today? i’m going after what i deem “right” for me.
but shhhh, don’t tell anyone.
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Zombie Claire says:
Do your MFA and become an artist in residence at a university or college. You’d have to teach, but you’d be paid to do your thing creatively.
Joe says:
I’ve felt that way for a while. Most of the time it just feels like people are expecting a lot out of me. Like you said, they think because you’re artistic you love your job to death. It’s not that way at all. Recently I’ve been trying to find other creative outlets for me to explore to tide me over because there’s times at work where I think, “What am I doing here?”
kevin says:
it’s like you are reading my mind ... from this dat forth i shall call you “Son of Mysterion”!
ryan says:
Very interesting. Some things I’ve wondered about myself.
I came to the conclusion that we are not this way because we are creative type, but we are creative types because we are this way. Control Freaks.
ryan says:
Joey Jo Jo. I’ve began to write, and espouse the virtues of modeling, plastic modeling that is.
This serves to both fullfill a creative gap while at the same time impress my geekdom upon others.
Joe says:
I’ve been screwing around with photography quite a bit lately. I’m loving it more than I thought I would so I’m glad I’ve taken such an interest in it.
Ryan says:
I’m right there with you. I found myself sitting in a cube at a fiber optic company grinding away on PowerPoint presentations, dialy website maintenace and other mind-numbing projects. Where was my creative outlet? When would my style get to shine?
...today, I gave my 2 weeks notice. People saw me as a tool not a designer. I’ve been wondering how I ended up here in this rut and where is that awesome creative job where my ideas are what they’re paying me for as well as the ability to execute.
Hopefully, it is not too far from the near future. Hopefully my new job environment will cure this dismal outlook. Hopefully, I’m not doomed to this never ending fate of musical-job hunting.
Fink says:
I often wonder (a lot more now than in the past) if I made the right career choice. I knew some guys who loved to buy clapped-out VW Golfs. They would spend a few months repairing and bringing them back to life and then selling them off and starting over again. It was a passion for them. None of these guys worked as mechanics for a living.
I asked them how come none of them worked as a mechanic and they said “why turn it into a job?”.
Vera says:
Damn It Feels Good to Be a Gangsta.
Ryan says:
For me, I think the ultimate would be the point where I can quit the 9-5 job and contract after that - perhaps even turn it into a studio of sorts…
The idea of chasing after the kind of work that you’re truly passionate about makes all the difference. There’s no wasted time making ‘animated banners’ for the web… simply the work that you love
Robot Johnny says:
“I’ll tell you what I’d do if I had a million dollars, man… two chicks at the same time.”
Anchor J. Waterjuice says:
I guess you’ve just gotta find something you love to do and then… do it for the rest of your life. For me, it’s going to Rushmore.
Sharon says:
About a moment ago, I wrote an entirely long post depicting the dissapointment I brought on myself because of my lack of confidence at being an actress even though I had studied in being one and the performing arts for a long time. Apart from this feeling of being disillusioned I also drew a lot of cartoons...a lot in fact, as I was a kid who just loved to draw. Back then I hadn’t heard of the net but in terms of drawing and acting stuff up I only preferred to draw what I liked to draw, perhaps mostly fan related, which for drawing sake also made me wonder if anything I did was truly original.
My point being sort of ends to just about exactly what you posted. And man, do I feel so glad that I’m not so alone on this one, as it seems are many others. I still think about acting again. I love film, the whole thing about it, but when I was acting I couldn’t stop what I could have done in illustration. I never stopped that and now it seems I just ‘draw’ whenever someone asks for a request. It got me wondering wether or not I was just being foolish and in the end it almost drove me barmy. But somewhere inside of me it’s like I’m just gonna have to get used to myself as a cartoonist again. Sometimes, as others have mentioned, even in this world where you’re at risk of being called ‘jack of all trades, master of nothing’ that maybe having all sorts of creative outlets is a good thing. I always used to think my differing passions were well, strange.
Now I see differently, thanks to your post. It may not seem like a biggie, but it is.
‘All or nothing at all’ is exactly how I felt as soon as those bloody teachers told me to stop acting. For a whole year it stopped me drawing a lot too. Like a creative cut-off. But I still managed to get onto an illustration course in southampton (UK) and and I know that ok, despite studying this for three years its more of a discovery for myself, and not a course which condemns me to have to do nothing but illustration.
Thanks.
And uh, I really feel embarressed for writing this loooong post. but i’m glad I got that off my chest. Phew.